Love in the City that Never Sleeps: A Tragic Comedy

In my brief twenty-nine years on this earth, I’ve learned a lot of things: Always bring a jacket, credit card debt devours souls, you can never have enough ketchup, yelling always makes things worse, how rare and important the use of correct grammar is, and there are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else (This article is a perfect example as I really should be working on research for grad school). This isn’t an exhaustive or finite list but, you get the idea.

I’ve had some incredible experiences, lived in more states than most people do in a lifetime, and met a plethora of interesting people along the way. I would say, and I think my friends would agree, that I have my shit fairly together and I’m “going places.” Basically, I’m a catch. So, why then does a woman like me have such a ridiculously difficult time finding a worthy man (keyword: WORTHY)?!? When I informed my friends and family I would be moving to New York City for graduate school, all I heard was, “The city is swarming with men!” and “You’ll be beating them off with a stick!” Well, I’m here and I have no use for that stick I packed. Now, in all fairness, my life has been consumed with research, reading, and writing so the opportunities to meet someone are cut in half, if not more.
Enter Tinder and Bumble. Both, while entertaining and efficient time-wasters are pretty disappointing.

There’s a glimmer of hope when I match with a guy who seems perfect according to his three Facebook pictures, school, job, and maybe that one descriptive sentence. I can’t tell you how many men include, “Don’t just write ‘Hey,’ ‘Hi,’ or ‘How are you?’.” Isn’t that what you’re supposed to say when you first meet someone? Why would I waste my time thinking of a multi-sentence introduction when you can’t even be bothered to include how tall you are? About fifty percent of the time, regardless of what I write, there’s no response. I’m sorry but, what was the point of swiping right on me if you don’t intend to communicate? The other fifty percent of the time, there may be some small talk, possible exchange of numbers and planning of a date. If the date does actually happen, I usually decide within the first ten minutes if there’s chemistry. Obviously, nothing has panned out because I’m sitting here writing this.

Enter OK Cupid. I was convinced by a friend on New Year’s Eve to download this app after I proclaimed, for the hundredth time, I’m taking a break from men. Reluctantly, I signed up. As I scroll through all my “potential matches” and read page-long profiles, I think to myself this is too time consuming and more of a commitment than I’m willing to make. An ironic statement since I’m looking for a committed relationship.

So I begin writing to those “high percentage matches” after reading their profiles so I can write more than just “Hey.” Do you want to take a wild guess at what happens? Nothing. Nada. Null. The majority of them never respond. We are a ninety-seven percent match! What more do you want?!? Instead, I get bombarded with likes and messages from men who are a twelve percent match and say things like, “You’re so adorable! I want to kidnap you and make you my little sister!” Creeeeepy.

What’s ironic is that all these men state they want “outgoing, independent, confident, intelligent women who message first” but, in reality, that couldn’t be farther from the truth! That’s a rant best saved for another day so back to the story…. I almost deleted it after I returned home from a research trip to Rwanda two weeks ago but, I talked myself into giving it another chance. Up until this morning, I was beginning to think I’d made the right call. I started conversing with three men, all of whom seem like the kind of guys I would want to get to know. All three asked for my digits, which I happily bestowed upon them.

Out of the three, there was one who I chatted with the most and he definitely became the front-runner. He suggested on a Monday that we go out on the Friday of that week. I agreed and we continued to text back and forth until late Wednesday night. Thursday was quiet but, we are both busy individuals. Friday morning comes and I decide to confirm if we are still on for tonight. Radio silence.

Normally, I would attempt to stop myself from jumping to conclusions as to why the lack of response. However, when you text a person on a Friday morning, an hour later log onto OK Cupid to find said person online when you still have no text from said person, operation “conclusion jumping” has already commenced. The only conclusion I jump to at this point in my dating career in this particular situation is that he’s an asshole.

I didn’t know what “ghosting” was until I entered the world of online dating and, let me tell you, it’s just another word for being an asshole. What happened to saying, “Hey, I think you’re great but, just not for me” or “I’ve decided to become a priest so I won’t be needing a girlfriend.” Lie or tell the truth but DON’T BE RUDE and not respond. This has happened to me several times, before a date and even after a couple. I’m beginning to wonder, on what planet were these men raised? If you’re not interested in someone, even after a couple dates, be honest and upfront. It’s not hard, guys. Feelings change for one reason or another, albeit in New York City, people’s feelings change from one sip of Starbucks to the next.

After sending this around to some of my friends, I’ve been told that A) this is f**king fabulous and SPOT ON and B) I need to read Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance: An Investigation because apparently great minds think alike.

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