You’ve Got to Have Friends…

Now give us your best post coitus smile, kids...

This is a cautionary tale for all the girls who are, want to be or are just now realizing they are “fag hags.” Don’t rely too much on your gays because no matter how many times they feel you up, they are not your actual boyfriend.

It seems like the term “fag hag” is thrown around a lot lately. I see girls telling people that is what they are. Honey, if you were a real hag, you wouldn’t need to announce it, people would just know. Do you see hot girls telling everyone, “Oh, if you didn’t already notice, I’m hot?” NO, you don’t, you just know. You know one when you see one. I have my harem of homos and if they are not with me, I will pick one up where ever I go. It is inevitable; my aura must be made of glitter or something.

Gay men are fantastic; they love the same movies, music and men as I do. When we go out together there’s rarely a fight because we always want to do the same things. The conversation is always interesting because neither one of us is asking all the questions, desperately trying to keep it going. For quite some time, I had relied on them as sort of pseudo boyfriends. Liz Taylor did it with James Dean, Liza Minnelli did it with, well, all of her husbands, why couldn’t I? We went out to dinner and could be affectionate without the emotion of a real dating relationship. It was perfect for a girl who hates talking about emotional crap but loves getting her hair brushed while watching ‘Pillow Talk.’

The problems always started when I wanted to find a straight man to date. When I wasn’t looking to date it was great to have a gay man with me because they help keep away all the gross, creepers who would have tried to prey on me, had I not had a guy with me. When I was on the prowl it was as if my gays were purposely cock blocking me. They were one step ahead of me, seeing the cute guy that was interested and about to come over and all of a sudden they have their arms all over me, marking their territory. To some of them I was/am like a Barbie doll. They did my hair and makeup, picked out my outfit and matching accessories and they were going to be damned if someone else was going to get to benefit the fruits of their labor. This happened on a very regular basis.

In the midst of my dating drought they took me to WeHo, the gay Mecca and it was like a mirage for me at that point. I hadn’t been on a date in so long that every hot bartender with rippling biceps looked like a fine choice to go put on the ol’ moves on. Like the saying goes “Water, water, everywhere but not a drop to drink.” Do not get to that point! It is embarrassing and sad at the same time.

I know, girl friends are not as sassy or energetic as your gay friends. And sometimes girl friends can be obnoxious and whinny but as a straight female, you’vegot to get you some. They are beneficial to helping you get asked out on dates. Trust me.