B*tches Be Crazy

As you might have guessed since my last post, my personal life since the young lady I discussed in The Kid Conundrumis going swimmingly. Swimmingly wrong that is.Let's catch up. Since my last relationship, I went on a dating hiatus for about 3 months. I needed to collect myself, iron out my living situation, and focus on getting a new job in order to be happier with myself and the direction I am going. I've spent time alone doing all the stuff I wanted to do without having to answer to anyone else. Check.

About 2 months ago I reconnected and went on a couple dates with a gal I met last summer,  Our timing wasn't right a year ago, and we both just kinda faded away. I got a Facebook request from her and we started talking again a few months ago. I made it clear from the get-go that I was “on hiatus” and unavailable for dating purposes, and she wanted to hang anyways. Fine. I'm a friendly guy, and since there was no previous relationship, let's see where this goes.

Now, I have to segway into what this is post is really about: it's about recognizing red flags of a crazy person and being intelligent enough to run as far away as you fucking can before you end up dealing with a psycho-pseudo stalker like I currently have. Hence the title B*itches Be Crazy. For the record, the title is not B*itches, Be Crazy. There is no comma because nobody likes a crazy, or is intentionally asking you to become crazy. Am I clear?Ok, first non-date: I drove out to her still geographically undesirable location in a city I used to live in and picked her up for drinks to catch up. We hung out at one of my favorite bars that I used to frequent, and now I probably wont ever go back there again. Great catching up, she's grown up a bit since the last time I saw her and has things going for her. Fantastic. I can be friends with this girl. I drive her home, pull up to her house and she starts doing that awkward stare thing, followed by lots of “um's” and “ah's” and not getting out of my car. “What is your deal” I ask? “……….. “So, do we have to start over again?” she begins. “No, there is no starting over. I am on hiatus. Not available for dating, I am doing my thing right now and I don't want to complicate things with dating.”  Done.  Or at least that’s what I thought.  What she said after that doesn't matter, but I went out with her again after that a couple weeks later, because I thought we were JUST FRIENDS.

So, let's start with the mistakes that make her just another loser that didn't win my heart. I spent the night at her house after our second hangout because I live 45-60 minutes away, and I was drunk. We cabbed it from her place, and I wasn't about to try to navigate my way home…. Still, Don't ever tell me when I wake up “this is the part where you get up and make me breakfast,” because I will (and did) tell her, “or is the part where I pack my shit and leave in a hurry, because I'm not your boyfriend.”

(Sidebar: yes I know that makes me sound like a dick, keep in mind I DO NOT WANT a relationship with this woman and am continually driving this message home.) Second, don't unfriend me on Facebook when we are JUST FRIENDS, and tell me you did it because you can't stand seeing pictures of me with my female friends. Next, do not send me a text that says “you left your shirt here because you want to see me again. That's the oldest trick in the book.” By the way, I answered that one with “it's OK, it was a cheap, you can keep it as a souvenir” Nothing but continued dickery on my end.

A week later she calls and leaves a voicemail while I'm traveling for work, saying she wants to send me said shirt if I will just give her my address. Uh, NO weirdo. A few days later, another voicemail that ends with something to the effect of “I guess I'll just see if I have your email and write you since I haven’t heard from you.”  GET A CLUE IDIOT, I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.  Seriously, stop trying. I have a rule. I call you, I leave you a voicemail, and that’s IT. You don’t return it, and I don’t call again. It’s pretty simple. You don't have my email, or my address for a reason lady: it's because I recognized crazy on you from the get-go (THANK GOD), and kept you at arms length because I knew you were going to be one of those chicks that give women a bad name.

It gets worse. She sends a weird string of texts to me from her family vacation another week later, and I decide that I have to be blunt and honest and put this sick little puppy to sleep.

I'm a rip the band aid off kinda dude. I don't like wasting time, and she clearly was choosing to ignore the message. After that, she starts calling me with the “I don't know what's going on's, please call me back messages.” I still didn't respond. At this point, I'm worried about her showing up and murdering me, so I’m starting to tell my friends about it just in case I strangely disappear. My female friends are offering to answer the phone when she calls. Yes, it was getting to be THAT bad.Days later at work, my office line rings. I answer and it's silent, so I hang up. 10 minutes later it's the same number on caller ID, and more silence so I quickly jot down the number and google it only to find that it's the front desk number for the place she works at. I never give out my work contact info unless you reach girlfriend status. So I'm now starting to freak out that I need security to walk me to my car at night because she might be waiting in the parking lot, baseball bat in hand. That was it. We hadn't talked in weeks, and I decided to send a “Please don't call me ever again. Leave me alone.” text. Did she get the message? NO.

WHAT. THE. HELL. WOMAN?! STOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP.Incessant calling and text messaging for 2 days, about how she has to not cry at her family reunion, how I'm an asshole (duh, you made me have to be one to get rid of you), how she might have breast cancer, and finally a psychotic voicemail about how rude I am, and how she's going to send said shirt to my office with a nasty note to the management about how I treated her.
I'm not making this up.

So what did we learn? First off, guys: trust me when I say you DON'T EVER want to have to deal with a girl like this. No woman is worth it. I feel like a total dickbag for how I ended up having to treat her, I am generally not like that, and I do not appreciate women that force me to bring out my asshole side.  Seriously though, think about what would be going on if she actually knew where I lived, or how much worse it would be if she didn't live an hour away. NOT Good. So be careful who you let in on the details of your life, because the crazy ones will turn around and use them against you.

Ladies, where do I start? Or do I even need to? Read the signs. The cardinal rule of dating, hell- ANY type of relationship or partnership should be as follows: Party A makes it clear that they would like to hang out. Party B makes it clear that the feeling is mutual. Party A and Party B hang out, and repeat over and over again until one of the parties stops making it clear that they want to hang out. It's REALLY simple. The bottom line is that this kind of irrational behavior happens with guys AND girls just the same. I would love to think that at 30 years old that I am intelligent enough to recognize the simple cues that the women I date give off to make it clear that they aren't interested.

It got even worse after that for the record. I spent a week traveling the East coast, answering my phone throughout the day with calls from different random websites that she had registered my phone number on. Luckily, Taylor was brilliant enough to help me retaliate, in a classy way of course. Anyhow, I would love to hear from any of you crazies out there though, what makes you think that any of the actions I described were going to win me over?