How To Make Your Ex Jealous With Just Your Phone

If you want to make your ex jealous, you probably have one of two things on your mind. You either want revenge, or you want them back.

Maybe they cheated on you, and now you want to show them what they’re missing. Or did you give them the brush off, and now want to win them back? Perhaps igniting a little fire of jealousy might make them change their mind.

Whatever your reasons, you can make your ex jealous. Just by using your cell phone. But be warned: the longer you spend rummaging through the dumpster of lost love, the longer it will take for you to get closure and move on.

But if that’s A-okay with you, let the games begin.

Let’s Go Over Some Basics

You want to make your ex jealous. Not grateful that they missed the fast train to crazy town. The easiest way to make yourself look mentally unstable is to start hammering out daggery status updates. We all have that one friend who is guilty of posting angry break up posts. Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.

For instance:

Martha posts: “Let down AGAIN. Why am I still single?” angry face, demon claw, broken heart, cookie, martini glass on Facebook. When her friends (and exes) read this, they might leap to conclusions about why Martha is still single. Does she have shingles? Is she an attention hound? Or maybe, it’s because she puts every date on blast over social media? Nobody was asking themselves why Martha is still single before, but now they might be.

So, that leads us to Golden Rule Number One – NEVER broadcast your insecurity on social media.

Don’t talk negatively about your love life, weight, or family problems online. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

If you point out your flaws to others, exes especially, that’s what they’ll see first. Nobody would have noticed your third nipple until you blogged about it.

So make a resolution to keep your social media drama free. No matter how much your ex makes you mad, it’s best if you keep it to yourself.

Stage One – The Lockdown

First thing’s first. Don’t speak to your ex. At the very least you probably need a break from each other. Trying to get in contact too soon is likely to burn both of you. So for now, you won’t be texting, calling, speaking, liking their status updates, or snapchatting with your ex. We all want what we can’t have. So cut off all contact. No drunk texting. Lock his number in a box until you feel you can be trusted with it again.

Stage Two – Boost Your Spirits

Not with 80 proof vodka. Getting wasted is a solid way to make a drunk dialing error that you’ll regret for the foreseeable future. Instead, get your hair done, take a yoga class – whatever it is, make sure it’s going to help you feel on top of the world again. Go on adventures and upload them to Instagram. Even if you’re crying and paragliding at the same time, make sure to smile in the photos. There’s an old saying in Break-upville. Fake it til you make it. The sight of you having the time of your life will probably make the ex feel a twinge of sadness.

Stage Three – Tinder Time

Your Instagram looks like you’ve adopted the life of a carefree Groupon addict. But in reality, you’re propped up against your bathtub wearing nothing but a pair of tube socks and drinking wine out of the box. It’s time to get out of your funk! The best way to make an ex jealous is to move on with somebody else. Even if you’re not looking for a soulmate, dating will distract you from thinking about your old flame, and serve as a one-two punch to make em’ green with envy.

HOWEVER, do not take a new date somewhere where you are guaranteed to run into your ex. You’ll look scary-desperate if you decide to take Tinder Tom on a fun first date to your exes open house. NO.

Stage Four – The Test Of Time

You’ve gone skydiving for the first time. Your hair has never looked better. You’ve swiped right to everyone you’ve met online. But your phone has been dead and your inbox empty. No matter how hard you’re trying to make them jealous, they’re just not biting the bait.

Well, it’s probably time to move on. There’s a thin line between love and stalking. Don’t cross it. When enough time has passed, it’s time to cut the ties that bind.

Mute them across your social media platforms, and keep swiping right. Move on with your life, and soon you won’t worry about making your ex jealous anymore. That will probably be the time they decide to return.

Alternatively, your ex may have been gagging to speak to you. If they’ve called, (unless it’s just to demand the safe return of their favorite socks), the spark may still be alive.

It's only normal to cling to familiarity in times of change, but just because the sparks are still flying, it doesn't necessarily mean that you should jump back in the sack with an ex. As my grandmother once said, you wouldn't eat something you've already thrown up. Think twice before rekindling a romance that has already blown up on you before. There might be a reason you've left them in your rear view mirror.