If I'm on a date, and I go to the bathroom to have a mental freakout, ten times out of ten, it's going pretty badly — on the exception that the guy is so ridiculously good looking I need to pep talk myself into being a cool and collected human being. My date with Blayne was not an exception.
Admittedly it was not going that badly. I was actually having a decent time. I was laughing and eating fucking amazing food while he said interesting things, and we found that we share things in common. This is not bad at all, especially when you consider that Blayne is my first (and not my last) Tinder date.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this little lady found herself on Tinder…and boy, was she addicted.
I was fussy, impulsive, and desperately hopeful. I'd analyse each image and bio like I was recruiting someone for a high-fly job, and well…you could kinda say I was. I was convinced something real, promising and serious could come out of Tinder.
So I went out with Blayne, who on Tinder was funny in a silly boy-humour kind of way–which was exactly what I was missing from my life. I spend a lot of time with girls; all my friends are girls which is really great, but it gets to a point when you need some testosterone to balance it all out, even if 90% of their humour provokes chronic eye rolling and arm smacking. So like a fish to water, I casually suggested a drink after uni. The drink turned into dinner and before long I had my very first, fully fledged Tinder date.
I was flooded with excitement and nerves. It had been a while since I'd been on a date so the feeling vibrated through me so intensely I couldn't focus on anything else that day. Nerves also have a tendency to increase dramatically when you think deeply about the fact that I was meeting a complete stranger off some dating app and I only had a very rough idea of where I was going…but meh, live a little.
So here we go.
Tinder Date #1: Blayne with a Y
Hello, hello, you're actually good looking. So tall! I'm so tiny…you probably think I'm an adorable, little eighteen year-old. Gross. I'm bad ass. I'm real bad ass. Don't need to be tall to be bad ass.
Blayne and Nat. Nat and Blayne. Two drinks down and a myriad of topics later, something doesn't feel right, like a dress that could look good but ultimately doesn't sit right. And then I realize what it is–it's the awkward, uncomfortable silences that fit quite nicely between the ins and outs of our conversations. It makes me want to run away or be small enough to hide under my plate, because man it was awful.
It's funny, because you can get along with someone, have a lot in common and they can make you laugh and you can make them laugh, but what keeps you up at night, what flips your stomach when they message you and what fills your head with thoughts of them is chemistry. A connection needs to exist between you two, it needs to play, intertwine and buzz, when it does it'll pull you in so tightly and so rightly, it'll feel like this is what you were looking for all your life. You'll feel found.
Blayne and Nat was without a doubt sans that. Even when we were sitting outside on some deserted steps, keeping close for warmth and affection, I felt nothing. I actually started to feel slightly uncomfortable because he was being excessively affectionate–kissing my cheek, pulling me closer to him, playing with my hands, intertwining them…maybe it was harmless to him, but to me, these actions were louder than words, they spoke of meanings that are affiliated with someone significant, not someone I just met on a first date. It was too much. Too loud.
He was already voicing places we could go, but I wasn't on the same page. I didn't want to see him again.
He messaged me when I got home with the hope that he'd see me again. I was so very close to agreeing but that would only make me an asshole and a hypocrite so I laid it out and told him the truth and it was fine. I never had to worry about him again. Easy.
Blayne with a Y. Thank you.
You reminded me that I am actually dateable. You popped my Tinder virginity and gave me the confidence to go on more. The confidence to continue my search for that magical thing.