The Allure of Mystery

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So you've been dating this girl you met online. The first three dates went by smoothly, filled with fun activities and giggles. She seemed to be a great girl. You're getting excited about the potential, and at the same time, you're getting more and more comfortable with her. You felt you could share anything with her, and you did, a lot! Soon after, your texts got neglected, followed by your voice messages unreplied. Just when you thought everything's going so well, she pulled the plug. You pondered and puzzled, trying to trace back what you did that might have missed the mark.

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Let's put this puzzle aside and talk about the allure of mystery. The allure of mystery is abundant in nature. Deep in the tropical forests, Lady's Slipper orchids draw insects to her slipper-shaped pouches, trap them there, and then force them to climb up as they unknowingly collect or deposit pollen, thus fertilizing the flower. So what draws the insects to its pouch? It's the allure of mystery – “What sweet nectar must it have if it gives out such intoxicating scent?” The orchid achieves its goal without moving a leaf.

We are products of nature, and we should instinctually know how to attract. In our daily life however, in relationships especially, facts and figures often dominate. And when that's the case, relationships suffer. Guys often sell themselves too hard and too much in order to impress ladies. From her perspective, it's selfish and shallow for a guy to be constantly talking about himself and boasting about what he possesses, unless of course that's what she's mainly looking for.

In the early stage of dating, it's important to leave some things unsaid, let some of your brilliances be discovered at a later time. Dating should be fun and light. It's first and foremost emotion-based. There is no need to share all or know all in the first few dates. Let your eyes, touches, and most importantly, actions do the talking. If you find yourself dominating a conversation or doing most of the talking, pause, ask questions, and listen.

Over-sharing isn't sexy; it takes the allure of mystery out of a burgeoning romance. It's like having someone describe the entire plot of a film bit by bit, would you still feel excited to go see it afterwards?

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Jing is a San Francisco-based expert on intercultural dating and relationships. Visit to get her insights on love and life. Follow her on twitter @DailyJing for daily updates.

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