Are You Dating the Disappearing Man (aka the Pinger)?

Damn, where can I get me those tights?

Has the man you're hot for or dating disappeared…but only sort of? There's a good chance you're being Pinged.
Whether you're 20 or 60, you probably have had a pinger in your life. Maybe he's still part of your life.

Here's how this goes:
You meet him and spend a few terrific nights or weeks with him. He calls when he says he's going to, he takes you out, and he tells you how great you are. He seems like an overall fantastic guy and you'd gladly jump into bed with him. Maybe you have.
And you think: he could be the One.

Then…he fades. Your dates are few and far between; if at all. But unlike the others, he doesn’t quite disappear. Every so often you get a text or email that goes something like: Hey babe. I'm thinking of you.

Maybe he calls occasionally and tells you how much he'd like to see you, but just can't right now.

And then you get the super ping: Hey babe, what are you doing tonight?

You figure he's busy, but still interested. After all, he's going out of his way to stay in touch. He's not like those other guys who simply vanish. He's making an effort. He gets points for that, right?

On and on it goes; for a few weeks or a few years. He keeps in touch and appears to be making a huge effort to fit you into his life; but somehow he just can't seem to do it on any regular basis.

You remember those great times with him, and you think of the potential…so you hang with it. You look forward to his texts and calls. You hope each week is the week he frees up to take you out Saturday night. You jump to meet him at the last moment when he tells you he wants to see you.

Well, girlfriend, keep waiting, because you are being pinged.

Here is the definition of “pinging” (which I happen to know from my years in the technology field):
A computer network administration utility used to test whether a particular host is reachable across a network and to measure the round-trip time for packets.

Interpretation: a signal sent to see if the other object is receiving and test how long it takes to respond to a request for connection.

Get my drift?

Pingers want to keep you out there and available. Pingers get in touch just enough to make you feel wanted and set you up to receive. Then, when they are ready, they send their request.

Sometimes the request is a date. Sometimes it's simply the ego boost of hearing your desperation in wanting to see him again. It only takes moments, but fulfills a huge need for those guys who are looking for adoration and sex. Or who just aren't that into you. Pingers don't all of the sudden decide that you are a priority in their lives.

In truth, the mere fact that you put up with his nonsense is exactly why he will not move into any committed relationship with you. The sad irony is that by sticking around you have lost his respect. You're not someone he would consider a partner.

This is a warning to all of you ladies who are waiting for your guy to go back to “how it was” or for him to realize how fantastic you are. I'm sorry to say, but chances are it really never was; it's just your wish that that were so.

So…the next time you get the ping, do not return the signal that you received it. And No! Don't text or call for a final conversation to tell him you're done with him.

Just disappear.

That's how you dump your pinger.
If you are looking for a real relationship, I suggest you also read my article about the importance of commitment.

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  1. So true i had exactly the same situation with 3 guys at same time.

    By the way i really like your blog and i just started writing my own.

    Do you think we can exchange links?

  2. have i dated the pinger? yes, many times. have i cut the pinger off? yes. did i write a post about the pinger causing him to show back up, you bet! can i see a pinger a mile away now? absolutely. ladies take note, you're too good for this type of guy. cut your losses. fantastic post!

  3. Yup, we've all been pinged at some point in our dating lives, haven't we? Live and learn. Taylor: you're right: we are too good for these guys. Not that they are necessarily jerks; they may just want something totally different than we do. Thanks for your comments!

    1. I’ve been getting pinged like crazy and didn’t even know it! Now, I can see it coming and it isn’t so hurtful and disruptive. These aren’t terrible guys – they just don’t want what we want. And the sooner a woman (or a man) figures it out, the better. The first time I heard “weekends are for amateurs,” I found it confusing. But when I heard from my latest pinger “weekends are for rookies,” I knew exactly what he meant. He is not for me. It’s OK – there are plenty more where he came from. I’m glad I found this article!

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  5. Great article! I just got pinged last week. And I am doing the “fade out”…I am disappearing! He obviously doesnt want a relationship. I don’t think he is a terrible guy. But I am still hurt. I really liked him. But I want a relationship, marriage, children. Thanks for the article!

  6. I am terrible..I am a girl and am guilty of being a pinger. It is usually when I want to keep a guy around but he has too many issues so I try to protect my heart and not get too involved. I admit that I ping also as a response to a guy who pings..

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