I'm a pretty easy going kind of guy. I'm not easily annoyed. Really. Try it. I mean, all these Russian spam users that signup for this blog don't even get me irked and there's a lot of them annoying turds. Seriously. I was out to dinner with a relative, a cousin we'll call “Sheila” and their significant other “Tim” and I thought, “Is the Yannibmbr gonna have to choke a bitch?” Oh, it was that bad and let me tell you why, kids.The night started off innocently enough, we had some drinks at Tim and Sheila's and were off to a new eatery around the corner. So there we were, looking over the menu when I notice how Tim is talking to Sheila. He's talking to her like he's a baby, or like he's talking to a baby and asking what she's going to eat. That's when I expect Sheila to give Tim the business end of her back hand, instead, she responds in the same baby jibberish talk! Oh. My. God!!! I can't take it. Literally. I respond with, “Are you guys f'ing serious right now!!?” They both look at me and then each other and laugh about it and then kiss each other. I mean, there was a lotta lovin' going on at the other side of the table and probably way too much cuteness to contend with. It reminded me of that time I had a layover in the North Pole and punched Bambi in his big red nose for being too cuddly and cute, but that was another place and a lifetime ago.
Another thing that I get grief on is that I'm still “single.” That I'm out there on dating sites trying to “find love.” Every time this happens without fail. I should mention that Sheila and Tim only live together, they are not single nor with children, in spite of their want to talk like babies all the time, but I digress. Tim says to me, “Dude, you're not a bad looking guy, I don't see why you can't just meet people while you're out and about and do it the ‘normal' way.” Wow! Thanks, Tim! What wonderful thought vomit advice you've given me!!! I just take what he's saying with a grain of salt, I know he doesn't mean to be, well, mean. His default setting is “jack ass,” so I can forgive him. Then Sheila piggy backs his comment with, “I don't know that I could ever have dated online, there's so many creepy men on there. There are so many stories of women getting raped and killed that go out with men off dating sites.” So not only did Tim make me feel like a loser that's not really trying, but cousin Sheila probably thinks I rape and kill women, too. Gee whiz, cuz, thanks! At this point, I'm ready to commit hari kari.
I should also mention that they barely stopped to come up for air between eating and sucking face the entire meal. Come on guys! Get a room and/or a muzzle.
Don't get me wrong, I love my cousin, but sometimes she's best taken in small doses when with El Capitan de Suck aka Tim, or when she's by herself, which doesn't happen since the two of them are attached at the privates… Ugh.
If you're in a relationship and you guys do any of this stuff, shoot me a message and I will promptly come by batter you and your significant other in the ovaries or urethra. Finnit!
Have fun out there and stop sucking so much damn face!!!