An Open Letter to Jay Cutler: Don't F*ck Up My Happiness This Sunday. Thanks!
You hear it all the time from guys, “I love women who love sports.” I believe this to be true. Why is it that a love for competitive sport is so important to so many guys? I think, for starters, us guys really just want to see our woman more or less be naked, covered only by our favorite team's jersey.
However, for this weekend, I need some reassurance that I'm not going to hate life. In order to accomplish that, I need the help of one person in particular. I'm talking to you Jay Cutler! So get off Kristin and listen to what this guy has to say!
Dearest Jay Cutler,
I am not a Bears fan myself, however, I am a fan of my girlfriend. You see, my girlfriend and I have enjoyed some amazing Sundays together this NFL season; absolutely the best, really. There have been a few crappy Sundays, too, and it's primarily because you sometimes forget to throw the ball to the right guy. It happens to everyone one, some people less than others. I'll forgive you.
My woman is a big fan of the Bears and you, by association. Needless to say you've let her down sometimes and brought joy other times. This wouldn't matter so much if it didn't directly affect my happiness on a Sunday. When you decide to throw four picks in a game, imagine me with a ripped shirt, mangled hair and a complete absence of self respect. When you get sacked, like five times in a game, imagine that I'm wearing a television as a hat. What's that Jay Cutler? Televisions weren't meant to be worn as a hat? I concur! They're not! But when you play like an asshole, bad things happen to me, Jay. Pure and simple. I enjoy life a little bit less when you… play less than *not* good.
That brings me to your little game against Green Bay this weekend. I'm sitting here, typing, believing that you will play a good game, just like you did against the formidable Seahawks (note sarcasm). Jay, I'm not gonna lie to you; a win against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers would make my girlfriend happy. Very happy. It would save me money on insurance deductibles for both medical and home owners policies I have. My ability to be happy hinges on you being a big boy and rising to the occasion aka sucking less than the other guy.
I'm also going to suggest you sequester Kristin Cavallari. Send her packing to Abu Dabi, or wherever it was that Garfield used to send Odie. Packer up and Fedex her right the hell out of your immediate sphere of influence. Please. Learn from that clown, Romo and what Simpson did to him. In fact, I don't want you to even whack off prior to the game. Literally leave it all on the field, Jay. You owe that to me, dammit! For the love of baby Jesus (my favorite of all the Jesuses) find a way to not lose, give your defense a chance to win it for you and the team.
Alex Van Poppel. Go Bears! #end
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This is my favorite post of all time–go BEARS!