5 Crappy Ways to Dump Your Significant Other

Maybe you've been in this boat before, it's quite large after all.  You've been in a relationship with someone for maybe six months, perhaps a year or longer and you know; you just know that marriage isn't a possibility.  You're effectively in a relationship that's passed its expiration date, much like a carton of milk, or Allen Iverson's basketball career.  It should be over and done, yet you continue to languish in a relationship that's not much different than the walking dead.  What to do?How about the passive aggressive guide to ending a relationship?  This simple guide is for YOU, the person who can't be troubled by confrontation, the person that runs at the mere mention of “Look, we need to ta–”  If that sounds like you, read on.  If not, then just leave an angry comment at the bottom, there, please.

Don't return phone calls or text messages – Nothing says “I don't like you! Go away!!!” like not calling someone back. An ex girlfriend of mine once said to a mutual friend: “That guy is such a douche bag! You'd figure he'd man up and call me to end things properly.”  Well, dear, you figured wrong, didn'tcha?

Immediately begin dating someone new – Have you had that nagging ex that just won't leave you alone? Do you still share the same social circles? Bring your new significant other into the mix! Nothing will have your ex running the other direction and exasperated quite like seeing you make out with your new beau.  Try sprinkling in some extra baby talk for good measure!

Withold Sex – This nifty tip comes from the good people at Date Daily. When you want to end things and don't want to talk about, stop having sex with your partner.  They will begin to feel undesirable and probably stir up a lot of insecurity.

Start hitting on people in front of your partner – This is something that will likely get you kicked in the privates and dragged to the floor.  Even “innocent” flirting has this effect.  I can remember when I had this one girlfriend and she confessed that she was furious at me when having dinner one night. She said that I was totally hitting on the waitress.  Now, my ex was never the jealous type, she was very secure with herself.  That's why I was shocked, because she genuinely took my behavior for “hitting on the help.” I just knew the gal, I still don't think I was even flirting, let alone hitting on. I did learn never to underestimate the power of flirting or hitting on someone in front of your significant other.

Talk over your partner and generally be disrespectful – Embarrassing your partner in front of your friends and making them feel dumb enough times will surely cause your significant other to break up with you eventually.  Discounting their opinions as complete rubbish helps, too.  Talking over them in conversations is another way to get them fired up and pissed at you.  Only buying food and drinks for yourself is also another good way to go and being a total douche.  Forgetting about plans and no-showing goes well with this plan of attack, too.


I don't know about you, but I believe that this is how Bizarro Superman dealt with Lois Lane on Bizarro World, or wherever that blocky headed fool was from.  Crazy.  I'm pretty sure that this doesn't translate into our shared reality and probably not a good idea to do to anyone you care about.

Until next time, don't go breaking too many hearts out there.

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6 Comments

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  2. I'm glad you find this so amusing. You do realize how much you hurt my feelings by withholding sex, right?

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