The Urban Dater is About to Choke Someone.

This post's title certainly isn't the friendliest one I've come up with, is it?  I think the next one will be called "Ninjas That Cuddle with Puppies."  Deal?  Great!  I have to vent.  I like dispensing advice where it concerns relationships, I have this blog on the very subject.  I feel I can draw on my experiences and impart some of my wisdom... But what do you do when one of your friends just won't listen? You throw that friend into the sun.  Period.  Or not.  I feel like tossing my boy, Gregoire, into the sun but that solves nothing except for my need to see people getting tossed into the sun.  I know, weird.  Right?

You see, Gregoire is in a relationship with a woman, Tina, with a significant age gap over him, ten years at least.  He's younger, but that isn't really the crux of the issue here.

Here are the key points to this relationship:

• Only a casual relationship, not meant to be serious.  They do not label each other boyfriend and girlfriend.
• Gregoire wants to have kids some day.  His girl, Tina, doesn't want any... and she's probably at her age it may be ill advised...
• She's in her mid to upper forties and he's in his early thirties.  Not an issue, but a key point, I think.

They are in a weird place right now, as their relationship hangs in the balance.  You see, the problems began to occur when Tina moved in with her folks.  That strained their relationship as Gregoire didn't always feel comfortable at Tina's parents.  Gregoire's place is akin to Somalia, just the part where the country is a disaster, not the whole piracy thing...  The point is that time spent with one another was becoming an issue since neither Tina's or Gregoire's place was entirely suitable to hang out.  Gregoire, though, finally began to take charge of his place and cleaned it up, with Tina's help.  He suggests that Tina can stay over more often if it would make things easier on her for school, or just her own sanity from her nosy parents.

I think that's not all that odd.  They have been dating about a year, if a little less than that.  However, Tina took exception to this and seemed to have a problem.  The issue, as she put it is that Gregoire is getting too close and too serious.  He doesn't see it that way and thought he was merely helping and has said as much... Anyway, the story continues and gets more frustrating the longer it goes on, so I'll end the story here.

My thought and advice to my friend is that he needs to be a driving force and find out what's really going on and cutting through the bs. I believe Tina is the one actually developing feelings and wants to push Gregoire away.  I can't be sure, but this a classic play in relationships, especially for those that "want to keep it casual."

I tell my good buddy to really get to the heart of the matter, but he keeps getting hung up on the mixed signals he's now getting: Tina will say, "We shouldn't hang out anymore" and yet they end up kissing and being intimate.  She says, "I want you to see other people," yet she ventures off for the weekend with him and they share intimate moments together...

My advice is, "Dude.  This is crap!  You need to know where you stand and you need to tell her where your feelings are at.  She needs to tell you so you know if there's something there to work on, or if you should move on."  It's clear that this thing isn't casual anymore and probably hasn't been for some time.  I do casual relationships and they ain't cutting it on the casual front!

All I get from my friend is a reluctance to act.  He clearly really likes this woman and wants to be in a relationship and I suspect she does, too.  However, for all of their talking and chatting, they're not saying ANYTHING.  In fact, their actions tell the story here.  If Tina wanted out of the relationship, she'd have walked long ago... Yet she continues spending time with Gregoire.  Gregoire is in the same area, I think he's a little more honest with his feelings, but not enough.  I would like to shake my friend and his woman and say, "Look you and you!  Look at me, look at each other!  Embrace and 'Let's Get it On," in the style of UFCs Big John McCarthy.

Gregoire and Tina, just have your make up sex already, you kids are irritating me!

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3. Ask the Urban Dater: How Do I Have the STD Talk With My Partner?