Ladies, I’m not writing this for you as some sort of tactic to scare off the men that bore you to tears in bed. No. I expect you to tell your man he sucks in the sack! This piece is for the guys. If you’ve dated a few different girls, after getting dumped by your high school sweetheart for a doctor (I am not bitter… much), chances are you’ve dated a crazy lady.
Sure, these women, these crazy types, make for a great story and laugh after all is said and done. That said, I’m just going to a list a few ways that I’ve seen or heard of women getting crazy on a guy.Here it is, as promised, my big five ways that a woman can scare the sh*t out of her guy without really trying (assuming she’s crazy already then this stuff will be old hat to her, kinda like changing your underwear once a week, fellas.
- Run Him Down With Your Car – Yep, the ol’ run your guy down with your car never fails to send the message that cooking your pet bunny in your crock pot just doesn’t convey. I knew a guy, Martin, who had a girlfriend that was kind of a bitch. No one really liked talking to her because she sucked all the positive energy out of the room and vomited anger and PMS. I’m not kidding. A correspondent on the Daily Show, with Jon Stewart once stated that “Afghanistan’s chief export is opium and vengeance,” if such a description could be given to a woman it would be this woman, Brenda. One Friday night she straight up tried to run Martin over… Twice! Crazy. According to Martin, “Not sure what she was mad about, but we had some amazing sex later.” Leave it to Martin to keep things in perspective.
- Tell Your Guy that You “Rubbed One Out” on His Office/Computer Chair – I heard this one just tonight. I heard the story second hand. So I’ll just summarize. A very nice guy, Jake, had this crazy girlfriend who would stay around the house after he’d leave for work; he had other roommates. Anyway, turns out she got off on masturbating on his things when he was away. The final straw that broke the poor camel’s back was when she masturbated on Jake’s computer chair. She texted, “Hey babe, I rubbed one out on your computer chair.” Awww if that doesn’t say romance I really don’t know what does. Ladies, if you’re going to be a perv, try to make sure your guy is down with it… Oh and for the love of baby Jesus (he’s my favorite of all the Jesuses) don’t “rub one out” on your guys’ chair. SO wrong.
- Cry During Sex and Tell the Guy that Sex With Him is Much Different Than Rape – Not to be insensitive to victims of rape, but having intercourse with your guy is probably not a good time to communicate with him on how you don’t feel he’s a rapist bastard. I mean, I suppose it doesn’t make you necessarily crazy, but if we’re talking about “baggage” the Airline Clerk would probably charge extra to store that baggage on the plane, just saying.
- Text Him, Keep on Texting Him and Don’t Stop Texting Him I said DON’T STOP! A good friend of mine, Greg, met a girl one night, after breaking up with his girlfriend. The new gal; her name is Melina. She was cute and seemed really cool. She would text Greg everyday ending in ‘Y’ and, for a time, it was good. It’s when the texts didn’t stop that things got weird and creepy. Ladies, look, it takes a lot to scare a guy. If you’re hot; we want to DO YOU at some point. Armed with that knowledge and understanding, just know that once we’ve made you a target it can be hard to shake a determined and sex starved guy. However, when this girl has a melt down and starts yelling at one of Greg’s buddy’s over the phone that’s about the time he gets the idea not to text her back.Well, Melina kept on texting. One thing she wrote was something like:
Melina: “Greg, I’m so glad we met each other. I love that we’ve been talking and that I can be myself around you. This has been the best two weeks ever, please take me back!
Yeah, two weeks, kids. Two weeks and she’s never “had” him. They haven’t even had sex! Can you imagine the PsychoBitchometric reading on Melina had they had some sex? Greg has since stopped responding, as of this writing, she still hasn’t stopped texting.
- I have this buddy, Chuck, who had this long term girlfriend, Janet. Janet was weird and she was kind of a whore. She slept with other guys and Chuck knew about it. All he seemed to care about was sex, I never really got it until she finally broke up with him. Talk about the Penultimate act of Passive Aggressiveness. Being passive aggressive sucks and you should be up front with your feelings. However, Chuck takes the cake in this. He realized early on that Janet was a nut case, but she was hot, so Chuck was forgiving on a number of points.Chuck was never one to give too much attention to any woman, which Janet hated. She would yell at him, slap him, sleep with his friends and a variety of other things. Chuck was pretty stoic about it and even encouraged Janet’s damaging ways. It all came to an end when one of Chuck’s “Friend’s ” knocked Janet up and broke all of the windows in his home and placed headless ginger bread men in his bathroom. I’m not even going to begin to analyze this. Really. It’s weird. I did ask Chuck why he let things get so bad with her. To him it was a game, which is shitty in and of itself, I understand. I think he really just wanted to see how much bullshit Janet would put up with before she melted down… I think the other thing motivating Chuck was the fact that he’s a huge voyeur and managed to tape Janet sexing it up with a couple suitors… Perverts. Yes, these videos can be found on the interwebs… Somewhere.
The moral of this article, if there’s one to be found, is don’t be an asshole to your crazy bitch of a gf. She’ll cook your rabbit!
I just heard about this one. A good friend of mine, known for his gigolo ways, once dated a gal for six months… It was about four months longer than he wanted to. Tad, my friend, had been staying with this woman who fell pretty hard for him. He was ready to move on but she wasn’t. She threatened to burn his clothes and wallet if they couldn’t talk things out. Out of fear he stayed with this lady for a few more months, slowly moving his things out a few at a time. The day he left, he got her extremely drunk and he removed the rest of his things while she was passed out.
Pure class, Tad. I think this situation doesn’t happen if Tad isn’t a man whore taking advantage of free room and board, but I digress.