How to Scare a Man in 5 Easy Steps.

Ladies, I’m not writ­ing this for you as some sort of tac­tic to scare off the men that bore you to tears in bed.  No.  I expect you to tell your man he sucks in the sack!  This piece is for the guys.  If you’ve dated a few dif­fer­ent girls, after get­ting dumped by your high school sweet­heart for a doc­tor (I am not bit­ter… much), chances are you’ve dated a crazy lady.

Sure, these women, these crazy types, make for a great story and laugh after all is said and done.  That said, I’m just going to a list a few ways that I’ve seen or heard of women get­ting crazy on a guy.Here it is, as promised, my big five ways that a woman can scare the sh*t out of her guy with­out really try­ing (assum­ing she’s crazy already then this stuff will be old hat to her, kinda like chang­ing your under­wear once a week, fellas.

• Run Him Down With Your Car — Yep, the ol’ run your guy down with your car never fails to send the mes­sage that cook­ing your pet bunny in your crock pot just doesn’t con­vey.  I knew a guy, Mar­tin, who had a girl­friend that was kind of a bitch.  No one really liked talk­ing to her because she sucked all the pos­i­tive energy out of the room and vom­ited anger and PMS.  I’m not kid­ding.  A cor­re­spon­dent on the Daily Show, with Jon Stew­art once stated that “Afghanistan’s chief export is opium and vengeance,” if such a descrip­tion could be given to a woman  it would be this woman, Brenda.  One Fri­day night she straight up tried to run Mar­tin over… Twice!  Crazy.  Accord­ing to Mar­tin, “Not sure what she was mad about, but we had some amaz­ing sex later.”  Leave it to Mar­tin to keep things in perspective.
• Tell Your Guy that You “Rubbed One Out” on His Office/​Computer Chair — I heard this one just tonight.  I heard the story sec­ond hand.  So I’ll just sum­ma­rize.  A very nice guy, Jake, had this crazy girl­friend who would stay around the house after he’d leave for work; he had other room­mates.  Any­way, turns out she got off on mas­tur­bat­ing on his things when he was away.  The final straw that broke the poor camel’s back was when she mas­tur­bated on Jake’s com­puter chair.  She texted, “Hey babe, I rubbed one out on your com­puter chair.”  Awww if that doesn’t say romance I really don’t know what does.  Ladies, if you’re going to be a perv, try to make sure your guy is down with it… Oh and for the love of baby Jesus (he’s my favorite of all the Jesuses) don’t “rub one out” on your guys’ chair.  SO wrong.
• Cry Dur­ing Sex and Tell the Guy that Sex With Him is Much Dif­fer­ent Than Rape — Not to be insen­si­tive to vic­tims of rape, but hav­ing inter­course with your guy is prob­a­bly not a good time to com­mu­ni­cate with him on how you don’t feel he’s a rapist bas­tard.  I mean, I sup­pose it doesn’t make you nec­es­sar­ily crazy, but if we’re talk­ing about “bag­gage” the Air­line Clerk would prob­a­bly charge extra to store that bag­gage on the plane, just saying.
• Text Him, Keep on Tex­ting Him and Don’t Stop Tex­ting Him I said DON’T STOP! A good friend of mine, Greg, met a girl one night, after break­ing up with his girl­friend.  The new gal; her name is Melina.   She was cute and seemed really cool.  She would text Greg every­day end­ing in ‘Y’ and, for a time, it was good. It’s when the texts didn’t stop that things got weird and creepy.  Ladies, look, it takes a lot to scare a guy.  If you’re hot; we want to DO  YOU at some point.  Armed with that knowl­edge and under­stand­ing, just know that once we’ve made you a tar­get it can be hard to shake a deter­mined and sex starved guy.  How­ever, when this girl has a melt down and starts yelling at one of Greg’s buddy’s over the phone that’s about the time he gets the idea not to text her back.Well, Melina kept on tex­ting.  One thing she wrote was some­thing like:
  Melina: “Greg, I’m so glad we met each other. I love that we’ve been talk­ing and that I can be myself around you. This has been the best two weeks ever, please take me back!

  Yeah, two weeks, kids.  Two weeks and she’s never “had” him.  They haven’t even had sex!  Can you imag­ine the Psy­choBitcho­me­t­ric read­ing on Melina had they had some sex?  Greg has since stopped respond­ing, as of this writ­ing, she still hasn’t stopped texting.

• I have this buddy, Chuck, who had this long term girl­friend, Janet.  Janet was weird and she was kind of a whore.  She slept with other guys and Chuck knew about it.  All he seemed to care about was sex, I never really got it  until she finally broke up with him.  Talk about the Penul­ti­mate act of Pas­sive Aggres­sive­ness.  Being pas­sive aggres­sive sucks and you should be up front with your feel­ings.  How­ever, Chuck takes the cake in this.  He real­ized early on that Janet was a nut case, but she was hot, so Chuck was for­giv­ing on a num­ber of points.Chuck was never one to give too much atten­tion to any woman, which Janet hated.  She would yell at him, slap him, sleep with his friends and a vari­ety of other things.  Chuck was pretty stoic about it and even encour­aged Janet’s dam­ag­ing ways.  It all came to an end when one of Chuck’s “Friend’s ” knocked Janet up and broke all of the win­dows in his home and placed head­less gin­ger bread men in his bath­room.  I’m not even going to begin to ana­lyze this.  Really.  It’s weird.  I did ask Chuck why he let things get so bad with her.  To him it was a game, which is shitty in and of itself, I under­stand.  I think he really just wanted to see how much bull­shit Janet would put up with before she melted down… I think the other thing moti­vat­ing Chuck was the fact that he’s a huge voyeur and man­aged to tape Janet sex­ing it up with a cou­ple suit­ors… Per­verts.  Yes, these videos can be found on the inter­webs… Somewhere.

The moral of this arti­cle, if there’s one to be found, is don’t be an ass­hole to your crazy bitch of a gf. She’ll cook your rabbit!

**Bonus**

I just heard about this one.  A good friend of mine, known for his gigolo ways, once dated a gal for six months… It was about four months longer than he wanted to.  Tad, my friend, had been stay­ing with this woman who fell pretty hard for him.  He was ready to move on but she wasn’t.  She threat­ened to burn his clothes and wal­let if they couldn’t talk things out.  Out of fear he stayed with this lady for a few more months, slowly mov­ing his things out a few at a time.  The day he left, he got her extremely drunk and he removed the rest of his things while she was passed out.

Pure class, Tad.  I think this sit­u­a­tion doesn’t hap­pen if Tad isn’t a man whore tak­ing advan­tage of free room and board, but I digress.

Related posts:

1. Is Dis­tance in a Rela­tion­ship Like a Knock­out Punch?
2. When is it Time to Stop Dat­ing Around and Get Serious?