There are a few friends that I’ve talked to about NYE… To those of you paying attention at home that’s read New Years Eve. Now, they haven’t lost their shit about the rapidly approaching celebration to ring in 2013, but they’re close to it.
My thought is this: “Calm down. Take some pills. And like Ghost Chili Pepper Mac n’ Cheese, let the shit pass.”
It’s just one day, it’s not unlike other days of the year. The only thing about this day is that it marks the flipping of a calendar… Granted, I know that a lot of other shit happens on this day. Like my Oregon Ducks NOT playing for the College Football National Title (no, 5 shots of Jack Daniels did not help wash down the feeling of defeat), the Rose Parade, and a whole army of people make resolutions on shit they think they’ll do because it’s a new year.
Why we put so much into the New Year I truly, truly will never understand. Really, calm down folks. We’re all headed to the same destination via a well-made hand basket so chill already.
Here’s a few reasons why you shouldn’t lose your shit when the clock strikes midnight in your neck of the hood.
- Your College Football Team didn’t lose to Standford because their kicker somehow managed to replace his leg with scotch tape and bungee cord prior to the most important event of his life. FML…
- Your professional basketball team of choice isn’t the Portland Trailblazers… who, at the time of this writing, were losing by 22pts to the god damned lakers. At this point in time, this shit is particularly shitty and the slightest bit funny. But that may or may not be another post altogether.
- You’re not the kind of person who donates high-fives to the Salvation Army… Only a person who is a complete dick-off would do such a thing (points at self)
- You aren’t the person drunk as shit looking for someone shitty to kiss at midnight. You can kiss many a person of varying degrees of shittery. Don’t choose New Years Eve to be one of them. You can do better when you don’t pressure yourself, kids. Trust me here. Any other day ending in Y you can find some butt-hole to kiss. Not literally, of course… Unless you’re into that sort of thing, you sick, sick person you. In which case, we’re happy to have you a fan of the Urban Dater.
- You’re the person who knows a person who knows what booze to buy for a good party. Sometimes, it’s just better to drink your life away. True fact
- You’re the asshole who got pissed and passed out at 4pm, to ring in the British New Year (assuming you’re running on PST)
- You’re that smart person with a 20Mbps internet connection and oodles of sites to download pr0n from. You don’t give a shit about the rest of the world, because milfhunter.com is your friend this night, good citizen!
- You’re not one of the monkeys watching the ball drop in Times Square… Still don’t understand this one. I can’t think of anything else that sounds less fun than watching a ball drop in what is likely a dreadfully biting cold in New York City, surrounded by tens, or even hundres, of thousands of fellow assholes… I mean, that sounds less fun than watching Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin do some bastardized play by play of the thing on TV. End my life if that’s me.
- You’re that asshole that’s already in a relationship and has that NYE kiss thing covered. If that’s you, fuck you very much and see you next year. You are next-level awesome, and you have nothing to worry about you smug s.o.b.!!
- You’re that person that already knows this shit and isn’t worried about any of this New Years Even bullshit. You know that it’s just one more increment in this journey through life… You know that it’s not a defining moment; that good stretches and bad stretches are not measured by years, but by how you deal with getting knocked down and getting back up again to do it all over again. You know that it’s about getting up that 8th time, after getting knocked down for the 7th time…
Cliche? Sure. But so is New Years Eve… There’s no need to freak out or over-emphasize the coming of the New Year. Why did you hold of on making a resolution until the New Year? You had 364 other days to do this shit. Why wait?
Let’s make a pact, people. Let’s skip the whole ‘freaking out’ about NYE and just enjoy it with some loved ones or assholes who provide a comparable amount of entertainment and move on… If you get laid, great. If not, you have 364 other days to get lucky and/or strike out on.
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