Online dating profiles. They’re a blank canvas; a means to sell ourselves to the world and tell people “Hey! I’m the shit and these are the six things I can’t do without starting with dark chocolate.” While that may be tempting, it’s my thought that you should maybe hold off a little about yourself and even a little on what you’re looking for. Why? Leave some goddamned mystery for people to unearth… Unless it’s something like Force Choking people in your rape van while watching Tiny Toons. People should know that shit up front.
We live in an age of instant gratification. People want to laugh. Quickly. People want to listent to and see stuff. Quickly. We want to be entertained quickly. I want to know about the next online girl I want to date. Quickly. I don’t want to read a story about you. If it’s that important, publish your fucking memoirs and link to it on Amazon or something. If I buy it, it better not suck!
Sometimes, people don’t heed this advice and they go ape-shit-opposite. That is, they do the online equivalent of vomiting in your car. May I present you with one such profile that goes against the grain.
Now, look. I get it. You have experienced shitty-ness on these dating sites. You’re tired of bullshit time wasters. I get it… But isn’t there a better way? Is a dating profile the length 5 Subway party subs the way to go about it? My personal thought is no, it’s not. But what do I fucking know. You assholes decide for yourself. Would you send this person a message?
Added 1-14-2013 seriously u guys with NO PHOTOS who write me nasty notes,notes of advice or notes asking me out, go F’ urself. U really have mental problems. If u are so handsome as you say why no pic? If u are so rich and fun as you say then y on a dating site? Shouldn’t u be so rich as to go to all the clubs and get models w/all ur money? This is the year 2013 ur a moron!!
(I believe ur time is valuable so don’t waste it on someone that will never write u back. I am getting way too many messages from guys that I would never find attractive or have anything in common with.
IF YOU ARE THE FOLLOWING DO NOT WRITE ME —
-If u have a kid/kids (I might make an exception to this but I find guys with kids love to use their kids as an excuse at the last minute to cancel things. However if u have a kid and u aren’t a flake u just never know but the chances of me writing u back are less than one percent.)
– Someone who can’t handle honesty
– Defensive (usually a guy who doesn’t listen is this way or someone delusional and can’t see the clear picture)
– Collecting Unemployment, welfare or disability checks from da Gov’ment.
– Indecisive, wishy washee
– Pining for your ex
– Wear mom jeans (Google it if u don’t know) ur probably wearing it
– Smoker, cigarettes, weed and anything else
– Messed up teef
– On drugs, illegal or prescribed
– Lack social skills
– Out of style ( i don’t mean designer clothes, etc but do not wear 80’s 90’s style clothes like high waisted pants or look like a hick. I like men that dress like Adam Levine or hip)
– A grandpa or over 45
– Don’t own a car
– An actor
– A writer if I had a dollar for every loser telling me about his screenplay, i would be rich $$$$
– A musician, I WILL NOT GO SEE YOU PERFORM!!!
– live in another state i won’t write anyone back who is more than 50 miles away from me
Ok if you pass the above continue to read b/c my summary is LOOOONNNNGGGGG.
ME — Original, charismatic, confident, secure, goofy, trustworthy, evolved, thoughtful, sweet, passionate, witty, kind, generous, funny, world traveled, & can smell B.S.
I type ghetto steezyle it’s my thang fool. I have a sense of humor and hope u do too and that u are sharp. I also like to be serious at times too but mostly I am always positive
COMMON SENSE, SENSE OF HUMOR, LOGIC & COMMUNICATION are the BIG THINGS for myself as well as in what I want to see in you.
Also what is up with u losers writing me nasty notes? Um maybe that’s y u don’t have a date. The last thing I would do is look at a man’s profile and write him a mean note. WTH???
Where did common sense and courtesy go? So far it’s all white guys that write mean stuff to me, hmmmm something to think about.
I am very sharp and keenly aware of my surroundings. I don’t have much patience for fools. Yes, I pity the fool and I like Mr. T. I am a great observer and can command a room if there is a need for it.
I will observe & judge u when we meet and see if u present yourself the way you described yourself on your profile. Duh that’s common sense.
I am NOT on this thing to go on a bunch of dates just to go out or to get attention. I know I am gangnam style (heeeaaayyy sexi radies). I have to feel a sense of who you are by your photos and what you write on your about section. That is your time to sell urself guys. If u only have a few photos and say your fun, um, that’s not enough.
EXAMPLE — If u are doing the zoolander face in all your photos and I ask you y do u do that and you get mad/defensive, then obviously you have mental problems. I am just asking u a normal question based upon your photos. GEESH common sense where has it gone?
EXAMPLE 2 — A guy kept writing me going i want to take your photos i am a photographer we can have fun. I wrote him back – I am not looking for a photographer and I am not interested. Then he writes me back going y are you so defensive? i just want to have fun. OMG shit like that is what u call mother fucking stupid. He is the one who is perverted and we all know what he wants from me & then he goes and insults me? Jesus Fucking Christ, where do u losers come from??? Do I really look like I need a fucking photographer?
I like men who act like a MAN no feminine or fat guys please. I am not into games. That is for POF. I NOTICED THE SAME IDIOT/FOOLS ON POF R ON THIS SITE TOO. GOOD LORD, PLEASE HELP ME. I tried POF but the level of stupidity was out of control. Had to leave that site after three weeks. The dumbest thing is the same guys I said NO to on POF write me on this site asking me out and I am like r u F’kin kidding me? I told u i am NOT INTERESTED. Then they have to send me a nasty note telling me that I am a bitch, superficial or rude etc. Seriously u guys need to score some balls & move on. If I am not interested, I am just not interested. GEEESH! There is no need to get nasty.
I enjoy wine, cooking, organizing parties, art, architecture, live shows, working out, crossfit, weight lifting, sightseeing, eating at cozy dark restaurants, keeping my plants alive, baking, interior design, electronic dance music, Kaskade, dubstep, indoor cycling, DJ’s, yoga, music, picnics, sight seeing, road trips and romantic restaurants.
I am a creative person who is mature, vibrant and responsible. I am not a flaky creative type.
I am not a beach person who lives for the waves or to sit and tan all day.
I DO NOT DO COFFEE MEETINGS. That is m’fucking boring as hell.
U need to bring it if u want to meet me. How about this for u slow ass mofoz… dinner, drinks, a show, an art opening, Jesus Christ BE a MAN and come up with something or Google things to do in L.A. I hope u are more creative than a drink but a drink again is fine if we live in the same area.
ALSO IF I GIVE U MY NUMBER DON’T FUCKING ASK FOR NAUGHTY PHOTOS OR SEND ME A PIC OF UR COCK ETC, I DO NOT HAVE THAT NOR WILL I DO THAT WITH UR DUMBASS.
I am not going to banter w/some of u idiots who ask the dumbest things either. Don’t ask me how tall I am. Read the mother fucking details over on the right hand side. Again COMMON SENSE!!! I AM NOT HERE TO HAVE AN ONLINE CHAT BUDDY.
For example, don’t try to pretend u are a nice guy looking to get to know a girl when all u want to do is stick it in, you want to hit it and quit it, so that you can try to forget about your ex girlfriend or to try to relieve your depression or low self esteem. STOP LYING!!! If u are honest about your intentions, most girls will appreciate it so there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings. B a man fully aware of what he wants from a woman and don’t manipulate or deceive them.
AS I HAVE STATED BEFORE BE A GENTLEMAN, BE COOL, BE HIP, BE NICE, BE KIND, BE THOUGHTFUL, BE SWEET, BE INTERESTING. Y? B/C I am all of those things and more. I have a very interesting life and do a lot of things most people can’t do and I am happy to include u in it if ur cool.
ALSO — I am really in my 40’s but had to say 38 bc way too many old guys b writing me and I b popping up in their mother fucking search & they actually think they have a chance with me. UGHHHH. My photos are RECENT i look just like it, RECENT as in within a week.
What I’m doing with my life
blocking guys on OkCupid
updating my Facebook page
going grocery shopping
making paleo desserts
reading all my okcupid messages and deleting most of them
I’m really good at
Clicking not interested on those damn Quiver matches. That Quiver is messed up!
Pointing out your flaws, where do u want me to begin?
Calling u out on your B.S. I can’t stand IDIOTS!!
Bringing laughter and health into people’s lives.
Knowing what good music is.
Public speaking, eating and stenciling.
Leading & motivating and story telling.
The first things people usually notice about me
KA RIZ MAH
If i am wearing shorts or a skirt, then it’s my super sexy ass toned legs, hollah.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books? Ha I haven’t read a book in fifteen years. Umm… unless it’s self help then okay…um…. i need help.
I love all foods, Italian food, wine, Nip/Tuck and The Walking Dead.
I try to be 85% Paleo
Fav band is Keane. I LOVE KASKADE. I listen to Kaskade almost everyday. LOVE HIM. If u are not into Kaskaede, I will not be into u. I still enjoy old Duran Duran, love all gay music like Pet Shop Boys, Erasure, Right Said Fred but i think he is from da 90’s, Depeche Mode, New Order, Maroon five and other stuff. I like EDM, dubstep and of course Michael Buble and George Michael.
I love soundcloud.
I love smart/funny/fit/athletic witty guys who can keep me on my toes. Nothing is sexier to me than a man who makes me laugh and puts all his energy into me.
The six things I could never do without
Soundcloud, youtube, working out, Keane, flowers, plants.
Why do so many of you men say your iphone? That shit turns me off. More than likely if iphone is someting you can’t live without, I won’t want to meet u.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Y is it that every time I log out of this thing I get 20 notifications of new messages? Am I that hot? Hmmmm….
Y do guys w/no job, no goals who live with their mom ask me out?
If I wrote everyone back who wrote me I would be on this site 24hours a day
Y some of u guys are so mother fucking boring in real life?
Y can’t i meet a man who actually is exciting, fun and honest who really wants to spend time with me doing fun things? Someone please get me a Kleenex :'(
Y do the dumbest guys write me?
Y some guys just don’t pay for a prostitute when all they want to do is stick it in?
Y so many of you guys say u love the beach and walking on it holding hands. If that’s the case the beach should be swarming w it don’t u think?
Y so many of u guys are delusional?
Y do you guys say u are looking for a long term relationship when all u want is casual sex?
Y do guys not put up recent photos?
How much more should I write on this question?
On a typical Friday night I am
crying on my couch
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I like The Wanted those British boys are Ka Yute! They have good hair, good clothes, can sing and dance
I’m looking for
Guys who like girls
Who are single
For long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
MOST IMPORTANT– U ARE A MAN AND NOT A BITCH!! TO me a man who asks me out doesn’t say, “U want to hang out? Where do u want to meet me? u R THE ONE ASKING ME OUT SO COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF ACTIVITY U FUCKING MORON” FUCK THAT SHIT!!
You promise to not bother me w/ur stupid chats, texts and other nonsense and just get to the point.
If u are a man you would suggest nice romantic restaurants, or a classy wine bar, a nice casual cafe. If u go i don’t know where to go, etc, if u read above GOOGLE THAT SHIT!!! I don’t need to go to an expensive restaurant, having a drink at a nice place is good enough with me and I’ll probably end up drinking water. I had a loser ask me to meet him at EL TORITO! LMFAO can u believe that shit? ALSO I DON’T EAT MEXICAN FOOD!!! EL mother fucking Torito at 10:30 PM during the weekday. I think it’s happy hour at that time. Oh man i had to post his ass on my Facebook so all my friends can laugh at him.
I don’t mind having orange juice either if it’s a cute cozy place.
— You think I am awesome and u think ur awesome and u know how to act like a confident man and give me all of ur attention when we are together. Ur whole goal should be making me feel special to be with someone special like u. Geesh again common sense.
**IF U WRITE ME AND SAY U WANT TO CHAT, I WILL BLOCK U IMMEDIATELY. I AM NOT ON HERE FOR A CHAT BUDDY FUCK OFF.
****ALSO what is the deal w/u losers who live in another state writing me? Didn’t I say NO PEN PALS???
–I am not looking for a friend or looking for friends. GEESH! I am on this site for dating. I have Facebook and over 3000 friends so i have enough there.
— You can dig it fool
Oh F.Y.I — I do prefer guys who are clean cut/fabulous or the musician type like Adam Levine. I like artsy, hipster, chic nerd, cool, edgy guys. I prefer a guy with some edge to him, 5 o’clock shadow is oh soooooo sexiiiiii. I like stylish men. If u can rock a five o’clock shadow, BONUS POINTS!!
— If u can give me a massage bonus points as well. My back and shoulders are always sore from crossfit.
— If u have droopy shoulders and a beer belly YIKES!!!! EEEK! GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! WHERE IS THE NEAREST DOOR????
Call me maybe?