I Make Boys Cry: Another Break Up Jerk Story

Let’s time travel back to 2000 shall we? I was 19-years-old, dumb and strug­gling to break up with my high school boyfriend. I had tried to break it off sev­eral times, but he refused to accept my offer. And some­how I failed to real­ize that while dat­ing is a two way street, break­ing up is one way. I call you, I dump you. Done. 19-year-old me was not that bright.

High School Boyfriend ended up insist­ing he come in town for a fam­ily wed­ding, despite my repeated attempts to break up with him. The night before he was sup­posed to arrive, I met up with my new col­lege crush. We’d hung out before and noth­ing had hap­pened. My col­lege room­mate, how­ever, had an inkling that Col­lege Crush and I were about to get in trou­ble To pre­vent this, she took my key­card. This way I had to come home before mid­night. Strategy!

I’m sure you can guess where this is going, but to make it short, I didn’t come home. I shacked up with Col­lege Crush (although we did noth­ing but kiss, promise! I was still good and chaste at 19!) After a few hours of sleep, I got up and drove the two hours to pick High School Boyfriend up at the air­port. We hadn’t seen each other in months and so on the way back to school we got freaky while driving.

Tip: If you are try­ing to dump your boyfriend, do not get freaky with him in the car!  It will con­fuse them! You’re welcome.

Once back at school, High School Boyfriend refused to stay in my dorm room say­ing it was “inap­pro­pri­ate.” I saw this as a way to eas­ily avoid more awk­ward phys­i­cal inter­ac­tions and claimed I had to study that night.  I left him at the hotel alone. The next morn­ing, he called pissed off. So I skipped my class and went to the mall with High School Boyfriend. While at the mall, I decided Col­lege Crush had to think I was crazy because of all the drama and the best way to han­dle it was buy him a candle.

Because clearly can­dles make every­thing better.

Except! Prob­lem: I was with High School Crush at the can­dle shop. Solu­tion: Tell many, many lies!

Going with the “lie through your teeth” plan, I pre­tended the can­dle was for my dorm room and took High School Boyfriend back to the hotel because I had a (pre­tend) class.  On the way back from ditch­ing High School Boyfriend, I dropped a love let­ter and can­dle off on Col­lege Crush’s doorstep. Classy!

After I drop­ping off the can­dle I decided I needed to get High School Boyfriend far away from Col­lege Crush. So I lied again and made up some rea­son High School Boyfriend and I had to go home to the fam­ily wed­ding early.  We left town as fast I could get High School Boyfriend to pack his bags.

Shock­ingly, High School Boyfriend had grown sus­pi­cious of my erratic behav­ior over the past few days and pestered me con­stantly with, “What’s wrong, baby?” I was able to dis­tract him for awhile with my wit and charm. And boobs. Let’s be hon­est, dude was 20-years-old, I used his over­ac­tive hor­mones against him. Evil? Yes. This is why I was a jerk.

This plan worked for a day or so, but it all came to a head in the mid­dle of my aunt and uncle’s recep­tion. I have no idea what set him off, but sud­denly High School Boyfriend hit his limit with my jerk­i­ness.  And because he had a flair for the dra­matic, High School Boyfriend decided to storm off the dance floor mid slow dance.  Ah, young love.

Not know­ing what else to do, I fol­lowed him out­side. We pro­ceeded to yell and scream at each other in the Coun­try Club park­ing lot. He refused to accept my crappy lies any longer and finally I caved and screamed, “I have been try­ing to break up with you for two months and you won’t let me. So Yes, I kissed Col­lege Crush the night before you came in town!”  And upon that, High School Boyfriend burst into tears. Right there in the park­ing lot.

Rather than be sym­pa­thetic to his pain upon hear­ing I made out with another guy, I was pissed. Pissed because he had started to cry. Pissed because I had been try­ing to break up with him for months and he refused to be bro­ken up with. And most of all pissed because now I looked like the bad guy, despite the fact he had been a less than stel­lar boyfriend.

I stood there in my brides­maid dress and watched him cry for a few min­utes and made very lit­tle effort to con­sole him.  After some time had passed and it was clear his water­works were not over, I pan­icked. My entire fam­ily was inside danc­ing to the YMCA or some­thing. We had a fam­ily brunch the next morn­ing. We had a whole 24 hours left together still. And in a moment of sheer self­ish­ness, I grabbed his shoul­ders, shook him and hissed, “Suck it up! You will not embar­rass me again in front of my fam­ily!”  And with that, I snatched up his arm, turned on my heel and led us inside where I pre­tended to be in love with him for the rest of the night.  And all through the fol­low­ing day until I dropped him off at the air­port curb­side check-in. I’m not even sure I got out of the car.

Maybe. I hope I did. But I really don’t think I even did that.

Related Posts

1. Con­fes­sions of a Jerk | A Bad Break Up.