In contract to my previous piece, this one will be a good deal shorter. In my initial research for this blog challenge I’m doing, I hit up some fellow bloggers with Single Edition for some ideas for posts. One of my friends, Single Much, suggested that I tell a story about a time a woman shocked me in bed.
I had to think really hard about that. I mean, getting shocked in bed is a hard thing to do unless you date the freakiest of the freaks… I’ve dated some interesting women. Artists, nurses… power lifters; you name, I probably dated it. But I don’t think I’d ever been shocked between the sheets.
Then it came to me. I actually have been shocked in the sheets. The details are chronicled in this story posted by our friends at Met Another Frog. I’ll summarize here, though. The short of the story is that I went out with a woman who misrepresented her looks and her age by a whole fuck load. That is, home girl was about 15 years older and about 4 times the payload than was advertised in her dating photo. I still shudder when I think of her.
After a protracted shitty date, I’d had my fill of this woman. I drove her back to her no-tell motel. I was coaxed into her place. Eventually she would playfully push me on the bed (against my will mind you, but she had crazy linebacker strength or something). She looked down upon me and she had something in her hand. I couldn’t tell what it was. She said: “You wanna see something cool?” I replied: “No, no. That’s okay. I don’t need to see anymore things.” I hear a faint click and then a dull hum as the back of my legs begin to vibrate. Bzzzzzz. That’s weird. I try to get up “No, stay there. It’s cool. I’m telling you,” my date assures me. This massage pad thing, whatever it is, is buzzing the shit out of me and it tickles and just feels weird, but I stay down, like a good boy. The buzzing and massaging gets to my neck and then to the back of my head. That’s when it happens. What, you ask? I shit you not, sparks, fucking sparks erupt past my left ear, singing it, and lighting up the room for a nanosecond… It hurts like a sonofabitch! I roll to the side, grimacing in pain and try to get up but the date from hell comes to my rescue, keeping me down to check on me. i should make a note that at some point she does try kissing me.
I quickly get up from the bed, stand up straight and look at blank space in front of me, avoiding eye contact with Satan Jr. I have to go. i have an early morning. As I make my way to the door my date thanks me for a good time and also lets me in on a secret. “You know, I like that we didn’t have sex. Most men ask to fuck on the first date. But you’re different.” At that time all I said was “Thanks!” I mean, what the fuck do you say to that shit? Jesus!
So, that, kids, is how a woman shocked me in bed.
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