Standards. Deal-breakers. Rules. All great things to have when dating, especially if you’re looking for the sort of long-term relationship that will eventually end in death (from old age after being together for so long in happiness, not because you drive each other to kill. Just to clarify). But when you simply want someone by your side so you can witness the demise of existence together, throw those rules out and follow this new set.
1. Don’t think about where you’ll be in 5 years.
If you’re in a serious relationship, you are going to inevitably, at some point, start to consider such abstract concepts as “the future” and “marriage material” and “how many times will she force me to watch Sleepless in Seattle?” You may even let these concepts influence whether you stay with your significant other, and with good reason (Sleepless in Seattle is a really boring movie). When the world’s ending, there is no such thing as the future, so it makes no difference whether you can stand your boyfriend’s high school friends. So what if your girlfriend wants you to spend next Christmas with her grandmother? You won’t be around for any of that.
2. Ignore red flags.
Usually, when you first meet someone, you can’t help but go over a list in your mind of the things you think you want in a partner. If he lied about his height, he’s not getting a second date. If she put on some weight since her online dating profile picture was taken, it’s over. But now—who cares? The world’s going to end; you can’t focus on trivial issues like whether your date has zero sense of humor.
3. Forget about playing it cool.
Of course you love those games where you wait to text each other or act like you’re extremely busy and popular just to throw your date off the scent. They’re fun for all involved! Though you have to admit these games take time, and that’s the one thing you don’t have right now. Cut to the chase and admit you like her so you can get on with observing the expulsion of humanity.
4. Embrace insurmountable differences.
Opposites attract and all that, but normally when you date someone, you want to have at least a few things in common, like you both like pizza or think puppies are cute. When the end of life as we know it is looming, you can stop worrying that your new boyfriend hasn’t even heard of that amazing indie band whose songs could be the soundtrack to your life. The fact that your girlfriend doesn’t understand football (no matter how many times you’ve explained it) may actually be a good thing. You don’t know the rules of the apocalypse; what if only those paired up with non-sports lovers get to survive? The truth is, you have no clue what the next month might bring, so you might as well spend the next few weeks getting to know each other without judgment.
That about covers it. Stick to these guidelines and you’ll be in the perfect position to score a date that lasts until the end of time—which isn’t very far from now, so no pressure. And—what’s that? You heard from Science that everything probably won’t be destroyed on December 21st? Well, first of all, what kind of a name is Science? Second of all, go ahead and try out these rules anyway. Because if you date as if the world is about to end, you might accidentally start the best relationship of your life.
Oh, and one last thing: if you’re looking for a date for the end of the world, look no further: worldendingdate.tumblr.com.
On a completely unrelated note, it’s not a sign of desperation to create a tumblr for the sole purpose of getting a boyfriend.