Welcome to another edition of “Ask the Urban Dater.” This is our forum where readers can ask questions of the Urban Daters and offer their sympathies, insults or anything else that comes to find. Because we’re cool like that you see.
Today’s story comes to use from Lake Minnetonka, MN from long time reader, first time asker, Timbo McErickson, a fiduciary member of the St. Paul-based start-up Meatless Meat Burritos for Omnivores.
Tim has a dilemma, one that is particularly close to my heart, so I figured I would take a stab at this one today. So follow along dear readers and let’s see what Papa Alex has to say about this story:
Timbo McErickson —
There’s this girl whom I met a while back, originally with the intention to date her, however for one reason or another she didn’t share the feelings and we just became friends, though I’ve always wanted to be with her.
We’ve had talks every now and then about us dating but her stance has always remained the same. She’s gone on dates with other guys, and I with other girls, none of which have worked out, but we always seem to end up right back on her couch discussing our failed love lives over drinks, but never exploring the possibility of an “us” because the feelings “just aren’t there.” However whenever I seem to get interested in another girl, she becomes seemingly jealous, asking constantly about her or asking why we never hang out anymore, etc.
My feelings towards her have become increasingly strong over all this time, even though her’s remain the “same.” We finally came to an “understanding” a couple of months ago that if her feelings towards me were to ever change, she promised to tell me. So I accepted those terms and we continued on with our friendship. But my feelings towards her continued to grow. I tried to get over her as best I could, because being the realistic person I believe myself to be, I knew change was highly unlikely. So I tried my best to not get my hopes up and to realize there’s probably nothing I can ever do to change things. I realized a few weeks ago that I have fallen in love with this girl, which scares me because I’ve never fallen in love with someone I’ve never dated. My question is basically this: Is there anything that I can possibly do to perhaps change her mind? Anything that might cause her to change her feelings for me whether it ‘s to leave her alone for a while or change my behavior patterns? Because when I do those things, she seems to become more flirty and concerned about what I’m doing but I don’t know if that’s just coincidence. One of our mutual friends (and her best friend) has told me before a few times that she really believes that this girl has feelings for me but just won’t admit to it. Any help would be great. Thank you.
This story just cuts you right in the dick, doesn’t it? I’ve been where you’re standing, Tim. It doesn’t get easier and, as you’ve written, it only gets harder. The worst thing about this is that feelings are not logical. They’re not and they cause us to feel things we ought not feel. That is, if this gal doesn’t like you in the same way that you like her, you shouldn’t continue to have stronger feelings. You should pack your bags and leave. However, feelings prevent us from doing anything sane like that. Instead we get caught up in this, this “love-fog” that blinds us.
Women are possessive and crave the attention of people who satisfy this craving. It doesn’t mean they love or are attracted to you. It just means they like your attention and get competitive when they see a threat to the amount of attention you give.
There was a gal that I was really into, some years ago. A very pretty red-head. Her friends assured me that she liked me as much as I liked her. Armed with that information and assurance I approached her… Twice. And twice times (back off grammar nazis) I was rejected. Once with complete silence and the other time was with her cheek when I tried to go in for a kiss. Yeah, not good. She never really did tell me why she wasn’t apparently into me. However, she did confide her feelings to a friend of mine, who just finally told me last year what she told him: “He’s just not the right guy for me.” That’s what she said, in essence. Is that the case here, with you? I don’t know.
Tim, I’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told countless others: “Actions always tell the truth.” What we do and what we say, so often, are not the same thing. The fact that this girl hasn’t acted in a way that brings you closer together is evidence of that. On top of that you don’t make people change their mind when it comes to love. You show them where you stand, you tell them how you feel, at the very risk of losing what you have, which, in this case, is friendship. You leave it all out there on the table. Either this woman reciprocates or she doesn’t. And you have a choice to make. Knowing that your feelings aren’t going to change, will you continue to be friends with her, or will you walk away feeling like shit, but knowing you did what you could?
So that’s my advice: Tell this girl how you really feel; let it all out and then move on. If she wants what you’re giving, then great. If she doesn’t you gotta move on, you’ll feel better that you put yourself out there and got shot down than never taking a chance at all.