Assholism is defined as such by the Urban Dictionary: A following practiced by many around the world, which needs several years of training and a natural instinct of basic shittiness. Doesn’t that sound like a community to be a part of? What if it was a church? The Church of Asshologists. Get your free “Get the $%^!! outta here, cause I hate yo’ ass” test today! Oh dear. I’ve done it again. I’ve started a blog by babbling about being an asshole, as assholes are wont to do.
The asshole is often the unsung hero in a relationship. There’s also a degree of asshole, mind you. There’s the assholes that kick ass, take names and tell you what’s on their mind; they just don’t give a shit. Then there’s the other kind of asshole: The type that sleep with your friends, throw puppies into the sun, piss all over the place, err toward abusive behavior and are horrible at family get togethers. I’m talking about the first type of asshole, rather, Type-A assholes.
Why do Type-A assholes rule so much?
It’s pretty simple, kids. Gather around and let Uncle Touchy tell you why:
- Con: An asshole doesn’t put up with your shit and will tell you to stop being a baby. Pro: An asshole won’t put up with anyone else’s shit either. Better to be on the side of an a-hole. Trust me.
- Con: Assholes can embarrass you in public. A lot! Especially when trying to return a Chambord for a refund when the date has expired to return it. Pro: That asshole probably just got you your 40 bucks back! Wasn’t that worth the embarrassment?
- Assholes have a way of making people feel uneasy. This is useful when Aunt Gladys wants to talk about when you two are going to get married or have kids. Your asshole significant other will quash that topic right quick!
- Inside every asshole is a heart of gold. Don’t believe me? Did you watch the Bad Santa? No, then shut your #$%^ing mouth!
- Assholes have a way of inspiring people to stay in shape. I’ve known a good many Type A Assholes who had up and left their significant other because they got too fat. Sure, you could go the route of Wesley Willis and Sing ‘I’m sorry that I got fat.’ But chances are, your asshole parter in booty will drop your ass. Lesson? Date an asshole and you’ll stay fit. Trust me.
- Assholes have a way of toughening a person up to prepare for the world around them. There’s lots of dick heads in this world. Sure, you could face them with love and compassion, donuts or some other crazy hippie-Ghandi shit; but I would beg to differ. You see, dating an asshole will prepare you for your butt-chinned boss; it will prepare you for the asshole Apple Store Worker that won’t tell you when more iProducts will be in-stock; it will help you tell your manager that you just don’t give a flying @#$% about a shit.
- Assholes have a way of being immensely and deeply loved, in-spite of themselves. Science tells us something, but it’s really long and hard to read and I’m not good with science. So I’ll just paraphrase. Assholes by pushing people away become a magnet for attention. True story.
- You’ll always have an excuse to get out of plans. When you have a nice girlfriend or boyfriend or husband/wife or something else and they’re mild-mannered; you become everyone’s bitch! How? You get invited to baby showers for some asshole baby that still shits themselves and have to play some poop eating diaper game. Screw that, kids!!! When your S.O. is an asshole, it really opens up life’s great possibilities.
- Dating an asshole is sorta like dating the Sensei from the Cobra Kai dojo in the Karate Kid. Sometimes it’s just bitchin!
- Assholes never say “I’m sorry.” How is THAT a benefit? It’s just further prep for how the rest of your life might turn out. Say you leave your small town to go to LA to pursue big dreams because your parents told you that you can do anything.” Sounds great right? Well, what if it turns out your dick head parents just wanted you to leave? Hmm? Well good on them for duping you and getting you to vacate premise. But now you feel betrayed because you just got assholed by your no good sheep punching folks.