Something in my pheromones makes nut jobs perk up and say, “Hey, now, what’s that all about?” I know everyone has their fair share of dates from the Twilight Zone, but it is passed the point of being comical with me. I feel like the Little Mermaid with her collection of junk, except my song goes like this: “Look at these dudes, aren’t they big freaks? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete? Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl, the girl who’s got all the nerds? I’ve got Mama’s Boys and creepers a-plenty; I’ve got socially awkward guys and cry babies galore. You want closet cases? I got twenty. But who cares? No big deal. I want more. ” (Go ahead and youtube the real song. I’ll wait. You know youwant to.)
That being said, I haven’t dated in a while because I’m exhausted. If the option is go out with a new guy or stay at home and watch ‘Law and Order,’ I’ll stay at home with some Jerry Orbach. ‘Law and Order’ is satisfying 100% of the time, where as a date with a new guy isn’t a sure bet. I mean, what kind of stupid crap will he prattle on about? I don’t know if I want to be subjecting my poor ears to lameness just yet.
Well, since I’m a super genius, I went out with a new guy. I had met him once before through a friend and neither one of us knew we were being set up, so I didn’t make any judgments based off the first meeting. Since I liked chatting with him, I thought, what the heck?
I try to be a fair person and not have unattainable standards, but at what point do you stop over looking things? He wanted to meet for drinks at 10PM on a Monday night…hmm, ok? Straight away I think he’s a tight ass since he’s not paying for food and probably only wants to see if I’ll get drunk enough for him to touch my rack. I knew we were not meeting at a 5 star joint, but still, I put effort into my appearance. As soon as he walked into the bar- he was late- I saw that he hadn’t brushed his hair or shaved, and was wearing jeans, a hoodie and sneakers. Where’s Tim Gunn when you need him? I took a mental note of that, but didn’t make any judgments…yet. I found out that he was an engineer, which explained a lot. (I went to a college where I was neck deep in engineers. They are very smart, but have zilch social, hygieneor style skills.) He yammered on about how awesome different machines are and how Tarantino is a cinematic god. (Wrong.) Not really my cup of tea topic wise, but I continued to over look it. He then said he’d never seen ‘Back to the Future.” No, he’s not a Quaker and he did grow up in America, so there’s really no excuse. That is an awesome movie that I reference all the time; ‘Oh La-La,’ Biff, “That’s heavy, Doc!” This is a problem. Then he told me he knew I wanted a guy who was assertive. You are correct sir, I do…and he thinks he’s the one to handle me? Really?
The night went on and he decided to tell me that, even though he denies the claim, someone convinced his Mom that he was gay. There it is!! What the crap? Did Liza and Cher retire and leave me in charge of all the guys that don’t know they’re gay? Damn it! I’ve already dated the closet case engineer, for FOUR YEARS in college. I can’t do it again. The Little Mermaid doesn’t need more forks; I don’t need more of that mess. Uh, Mariska Hargitay, Sam Waterston, Christopher Meloni, rescue me!!
Well, at least I dipped by toe back into the cesspool that is the dating scene. The end of my song will give you an idea of where I’m at, “Surrounded by geeks, gosh, that is bleak. When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love, love to share a 1.21 gigawatts joke. ‘Till then I’ll be, wanderin’ free, watching TV, that is my world.”