10 Ways to Fail at Valentine’s Day.

You’re read­ing this arti­cle right now won­der­ing to your­self, “Why? Why would any­one bother to com­pile a list of such bad ideas?” I’ll tell you why, dear reader. You see, I’m well aware of the fact that there are some peo­ple out there that wait for a spe­cial occa­sion to breakup with some­one. Per­haps it’s Christ­mas, but it’s already passed and the breakup didn’t hap­pen then. New Year’s Eve? Nope! The next log­i­cal time to breakup is Valentine’s Day, of course. Though, this line of think­ing assumes that some­one, while they are a bit of a pro­cras­ti­na­tor, has the “brass ones” to lay down the ham­mer and actu­ally break up with some­one. I’m not writ­ing this for those peo­ple, I’m writ­ing this for those pas­sive aggres­sive types that just can’t bring them­selves to breakup with their sig­nif­i­cant other. I’m giv­ing you the tools to use to piss off your part­ner, wife, hus­band, boy/​girlfriend so much that they will beat you to death with Cupid’s soiled dia­per. Oh yeah! It’s on, bitches!!This is the busi­ness part of the arti­cle where I give you, the Anti-​​Valentine Har­bin­ger of Breakups, the tools to com­mit rela­tion­ship hari-​​kari.  That said, let’s just get to the stuff…

1. Send Cute Text Mes­sages That Send the Wrong Mes­sage — Every­one is inse­cure to a cer­tain level, regard­less of how well adjust a per­son may say they are… Why not send a steamy “sext” say­ing how you had an arous­ing dream about an attrac­tive, mutual, friend that you and your part­ner have.  Be graphic!  You could write “I thought it was you that was rap­ing me, but it turns out it was your friend, Todd.  It was SO hawt!   I think we should re-​​enact it.”  Obvi­ously sub­sti­tute the names where appro­pri­ate.  I find that mis­tak­ing your part­ner for a sexy friend can ignite the anti-​​spark you seek.
2. Stay in and do Din­ner and a Movie… A Long and Excru­ci­at­ingly Non-​​Romantic Movie with a Microwave­able Din­ner — Do I need to write any­thing else here?  Well, dear read­ers I’ll not leave you in the cold with­out an idea of how to “warm things up!”  Not a chance!  Go to your local super­mar­ket and pick out your favorite vari­ety of Swanson’s TV Frozen Din­ners… Prefer­ably the one with that yummy Sal­is­bury Steak.  Nom, nom, nom!  Then, be sure to get your oven ready to go to heat up your culi­nary mas­ter­piece!  While your get­ting din­ner “ready” be sure to have your movie selected.  There are tons of movies out there that would be appro­pri­ate for the occa­sion, but I’ll give you some of my favorites:
   • Water­world — Not only is hor­ri­ble, it’s hor­ri­bly long.
   • Any Porno — I’m not kid­ding.  Find any porno you own and throw it in.  Turn on your DVD/​VHS player and watch it.  Don’t react or make eye con­tact.  You watch that porn like it’s com­pletely the most nat­u­rally cor­rect thing you’ve done… Ever; like breathing.
   • The Bad Santa — The gen­eral con­sen­sus on this movie is that it was ter­ri­ble and I’d argue against that point of view.  How­ever, this movie really under­scores human­ity at it’s worst.  Billy Bob does a fine job of play­ing an ass­hole.  The messed up kid in this thing really does it for me.  Be sure to laugh and laugh really hard at the most inap­pro­pri­ate times.
   • Hotel Rwanda — An amaz­ing in-​​your-​​face-​​movie and crit­i­cally acclaimed.  How­ever, this is not, nor will it ever be, a date movie of any kind.  The truth is that I took TrueDW on a date to see this movie.  It’s grue­some and, well, not arous­ing unless you get off on geno­cide and Slo­bo­dan Milo­se­vic… Actu­ally, there’s an idea.  Start get­ting all hot an both­ered dur­ing the scene where they are dri­ving over the thou­sands of corpses… Noth­ing says “I have issues with Psy­chopa­thy and you should run… quickly” like that.
   • Hon­or­able Men­tion: Rev­o­lu­tion­ary Road.
3. Skip a Bou­quet of Flow­ers — This idea was given to me by the gal I’m see­ing.  Appar­ently in high school she had been on a dou­ble date.  The other guy for­got to bring a gift or flow­ers.  The guy, real­iz­ing his folly, grabbed a cof­fee mug, ran to the back yard and scooped together some soil and cou­ple of dan­de­lions… DANDELIONS!!  Granted, the kid get’s an ‘F’ for effort, but appar­ently this poor hap­less teenage boy would have to wait to have sex until he could get a job  and gather the money to pay the local hooker for some heavy pet­ting…  The les­son here is this:  Grab a cof­fee mug and put some damn dan­de­lions in it, but wait until your date real­izes you have pur­chased no gift.
4. Be the Most Terri-​​Bad Per­son You Can Be — “Ter­ribad.”  Ter­ri­ble + bad, for those who are won­der­ing.  I have a friend that was mar­ried for ten years and they had two kids from that mar­riage.  Yep, they’re not mar­ried any­more.  My friend’s hus­band not only pro­posed to her on Valentine’s Day, but they got mar­ried on V-​​Day; the real kicker here, I’m sure you know what’s com­ing, is that the Hus­band straight up divorced my friend on their anniver­sary!  He said this to her, “I’ve never, never loved you at any time ever.  I was scared of being alone and thought you were my only chance at being mar­ried.  I don’t want to see you again.”  I know, you’re think­ing I’m full of it.  I wish I was.  This guy gets major points for being the most evil guy of all the times.  That’s a hell of a title.  I mean, wow.  There are ser­ial killer’s who have treated their vic­tims bet­ter… To this day, my friend has not heard from or seen her ex-​​husband, nor has she received any child sup­port.  Straight up “daaaayuuuuum!”
5. Talk About Your Pre­vi­ous V-​​days With Dif­fer­ent Lovers — This one is less ambi­tious than the pre­vi­ous sug­ges­tion.  I find that talk­ing about your exes and your fond mem­o­ries of them is like toss­ing matches in a room of gun pow­der.  It’s impor­tant to pick talk­ing points that high­light your partner’s short com­ings; things like how your ex’s sex drive was so hard to keep up with, how adven­tur­ous they were, or how much you loved their fam­ily (espe­cially good if you don’t care for your cur­rent partner’s family).
6. Set High Expec­ta­tions & Deliver Low Returns — Invest­ment peo­ple don’t like stocks that have a lot of hype and pro­duce a low stock price… How does this trans­late to you, you lil’ heart wrencher?  Talk about Valentine’s Day like it’s your favorite day.  Talk about how you’ve got this awe­some day planned and how you’re going to do these amaz­ing things.  Have your part­ner call around and make reser­va­tions them­self!  I mean, really go for the gusto here.  Make plans to jump out of a plane, make expen­sive and nice din­ner reser­va­tions.  Then, when VDay comes knock­ing just play dumb, like you for­got or just don’t show up…  The ultra in “dick moves.”
7. Hor­rify Your Part­ner With Spe­cial Valentine’s Day Arts & Crafts — No, these are not the kinds of cards you were sup­posed to get when you were in grade school.  I’m sug­gest­ing that you set up a cam­era in your room where you nor­mally have sex with your sig­nif­i­cant other.  Make sure that thing is tak­ing pho­tos when you two are going at it.  Make a scrap book of your favorite sex­ual expe­ri­ences and moves.  Include poetry about your part­ner reminds you of doing your par­ents.  Really, that should be a strong indi­ca­tor that your part­ner should take and run the hell away!
8. Frus­tra­tion is Fun! — This requires some patience, plan­ning and good act­ing on your part.  Plan your day out.  Find restau­rants or other estab­lish­ments that you know you can’t get into or are not open, or plain closed for busi­ness.  Not only that but pick ones that are at least four hours away.  Yes, I said FOUR hours away at least.  That ensures your date won’t try to hitch a cab ride home and that they are along for this ride of futil­ity.  Just think of it, place after place, venue after venue are closed, run down or just won’t serve you.  Pro tip — Be sure not to eat any­thing, don’t pack water or snacks. Also, think of the most mun­dane and worth­less top­ics to talk about.
9. Know Thy Sig­nif­i­cant Other… or Enemy, That Works, Too — Be care­ful with this tip as it may find you in jail, shar­ing a prison cell with some big dude that calls you “mija.”  Trust me, not fun.  If you’re part­ner is aller­gic to cats or dogs, go find a bunch of ani­mals to roll around with, have them pee on you, what­ever it is that sets your partner’s aller­gies off, find it and do it!  If they are aller­gic to milk, make sure to give them hid­den extra help­ings of lac­tose good­ness!  If they have a fear of heights take them on a blind folded tour of some ridicu­lous thrill ride or sky­scraper.  The strat­egy comes from remov­ing the blind­fold at the right time.  I’ll leave you guys to fig­ure that one out.  Jump­ing from an air­plane would be ideal here, I feel.
10. The “Let Down” — Do. Absolutely. Noth­ing.  Just plainly pre­tend you for­got about it com­pletely.  Make no com­ments about it.  If you see any­thing on TV or hear some­thing on the radio, recite a story of how one of your bud­dies got pink eye when some­one farted on their pil­low.  Or, bet­ter still, talk about your friends who DID do some­thing on Vday and talk about how awe­some it sounded and how you wish YOU had thought of it.

Take these tools, dear read­ers and use them with con­vic­tion.  If this doesn’t ruin Valentine’s Day then I truly am the worst per­son in the whole wide world.

Until next time, your sig­nif­i­cant other hates you.

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Fail at Being the Jeal­ous Type.
2. Cre­ative Valentine’s Day Date Ideas.
3. 4 Ways to Get Over Your Shyness.