A Message on OkCupid

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OkCupid_HeroIf you know me, you know that I’m a turd and generally an asshole. So when I tell my friends about the insane messages I sometimes send people they’re not surprised and I’m sure you won’t be either.

I’m sharing a message I sent about a month ago to a user on OkCupid. There was a glaring strike, however: The fact she lived in Canada. Yep. Geographically undesirable… But she visited me, so who knew. Maybe she was contemplating a move or a visit. Reading this gal’s profile got me interested and seeing what she was into told me that a message was a no brainer.

Here’s what I sent

Okay. Look. I’m just going to write this, knowing that a.) you probably hear this all the time b.) we’ll never meet and c.) This note creeps you the f*ck out. That said, you pretty much read like the most awesome woman ever. Now, I want you to understand something. Okay? When I say, “most awesome woman ever” I don’t mean you’re cooler than all the women on your block; in your city; in your province; or even in your country. I mean, it’s as though someone at a woman building factory got an order for the most awesome woman ever and she had to have these qualities, look like-so and all this other stuff such that she would be more awesome than the next closes awesome woman by at least 75x. If they lined up each an every model, the world over and said to me, “You, tell us what you think of this army of underfed models, with you standing there, to the side, I would say “Dear sir. Please remove this army of underfed models and place in front of me the clearly most awesome woman in the world. Thank you!” That’s what I would say. But, then, my underling would say, Lord Alex, but what of all the women the women in all the corners of the world, but before he finishes that sentence, I gently place a clown nose on his face and cover his mouth with my hand and say “Now, now, young Viceroy Jr. What did your Lord tell you about contradicting his opinion as to who the most awesome woman in the world is? I would then squeeze his nose and send him to his room to eat asparagus and consider the many ways in which he was wrong.

Why? Well, on the outside, you’re pretty darn cute; some might even say pretty. But the brass tacks, here, are that you’re <bleep>n gorgeous. You like what you do, you are interested in stuff and things; you like good beer and you wear spectacles. All important things. The like of making out is kinda rad, too. Just sayin’.

But, on a more serious note, if you were in my town, or I in yours, I’d definitely send you a note to the affect of this:

Yo, grrrl! Nice smile. What are you? The Czar of Smiles or sumpin’? Wanna grab a beer and talk some stuff for a couple hours, or whatevs?

Or I might actually write something more appropriate, I kinda spent my creativity early out of the gates… =)

Anyway, that’s all you get out of this guy. You’re welcome! Now enjoy the rest of your weekend in Middle Earth, Canadia, or where ever it is you hail from.

 

So the question I pose to you is this: How did I do? Is this too crazy of a message to send out to someone? I should note she replied, once, but was appreciative and not creeped out which, sometimes, is all I can ask for.

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yannibmbr

Alex is the founder, creative director and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs his own boutique marketing agency in Orange County, Ca: DigiSavvy. Among his treasured pursuits are bike rides with his girlfriend (don't be perverted, now!), hiking, watching the Portland Trailblazers and the LA Angels. Follow Alex: Twitter | LinkedIn

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Comments

  1. Goldie says

    Hi, just commenting here to say that I’ve gotten, and sent, this kind of messages, so I don’t think it’s creepy at all for you to send one. That said, your message was a bit tl;dr for my taste. The ones I’ve gotten (and sent) usually go something like “Terrific profile, it’s a shame you’re not closer”. The reason I’ve sent those was, well, a terrific profile (from two men, both several states away, who’d both visited me). One read like a standup act (a good one, I must add). The other one read like he and I would be a perfect match. I just thought I’d give credit where credit was due. They both said thank you and that was it. (As do I when I get that kind of messages.) So fear not, you did okay.

  2. says

    I actually like your comment. I think that if you just wrote a sentence or two, then it looks like you aren’t putting any effort into it and are just trying to get lucky. But the fact that the comment is a big paragraph shows you put some thought into it. Of course, you could just copy/paste that for every girl too, but the fact that she isn’t local shows you aren’t trying to have a hook up either since it would be a very expensive hookup!

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